Dear Dr John, HELP.......... Dr John, I've been having that nightmare again, I'm sure you've had one like it, where you're stuck on a slow moving treadmill, where things repeat themselves, where it's hard to speed up.....sorta like moving in treacle or deep mud. The scarey thing is Dr John, I've been having the nightmare during the day.
Here are some of the symptoms:
I'm on a never ending straight road, Coming towards me (100s of times) are Grey haired Oompa Loompa driving cars, towing caravans. They all have massive Cheshire Cat grins, and wave their hands frantically, as if their hands are on those springy things, like nodding dog heads. I'm unsure whether they are greating me or warning me.
Massive, transformers in the form of gigantic trucks, with hugely powerful motors, and far too many tyres, sneak up behind me, and attempt to blow me off the road. Others, come towards me, looking all serene and peaceful, but as they draw near me and pass they hit me with a wall of air, that stops me in my tracks, hoping that one of their brethren creeping up behind me will finish me off.
Constantly I am forced to dodge reeking, rotting ripe, rancid roo remains. I believe this is an attempt to throw me into the path of the gigantic transformers.
Other vehicles, driven by a race of people that have been telling us good kiwis untruths for many many years, about how their country is hot, dry and sunny (you'll remember the slogan, "Where the hell are you?"), try to distract me by tooting their horns, flashing their lights, taking photos of me on my bike coming towards them, and giving me a "thumbs up" (in Roman times, many Aussies have Italian roots, was that a good sign, or bad sign?).
And all this time, I am struggling to get to the bend in the road.
At times I get a little respite, and my nightmare allows me to stop at the side of the road. There the Ooompa Loompas offer me cake, coffee, tea, water.....but never any help getting to the corner.
If I sit down at these rest stops, I am bitten by ants, buzzed by Flys, and crawled on by hairy caterpillars and huge spiders, so I seldom stop for long.
Even the animals are plotting against me. Several times a small group of pink headed, grey( that colour again) parrots, take off from the road verge in front of me. They fly 100m in front and land on the road, and as I get closer, take off again. I can never catch up with them....blimmen galahs.
Some locals have told me to watch out for a beautiful young woman, wearing yellow, walking towards me pushing a yellow wheelbarrow. Others have told me it's a myth. I'm scared to see her, and scared not to see her. I've been too embarrassed to ask any of them whether they've been exposed to Windfarms.
Oh Dr John. I need help. In a few days there is a full moon. I'm scared they'll find me dancing naked around my tent (Ooops, that's an image you're going to find hard to forget).
I'm also scared that tomorrow the nightmare might continue, that I will eventually reach the bend in the road, go around it and find.......another long straight road.
Dr John, I think I need some stress relief. Could you possibly send me, as rapidly as possible, some Juju medicine. It's worked before, I'm sure it will help me. Thank you Dr John.